Tips for being seventeen (and above)

Contrary to your mum or the internet,
don’t be yourself – you’ll stagnate and stink.

Like the universe, you’re slowly dying
at least be a ray of light.

No one thinks about you as much as you think about yourself.
If it helps, you will do more embarrassing things eventually, embrace it.

Don’t drink and drive. Don’t text when horny.
Unsolicited dick pics will never work out in your favour.

Alcohol is overrated, it won’t mask a tadpole personality.
Drugs can be fun, don’t recommend them,

Scientists say everybody’s stomach bacteria is different,
the brain is equally unpredictable.

Don’t follow anyone’s advice on women,
they don’t make sense anyway.

Don’t judge people who smoke,
at least their vices are visible.

The list of those who were only gets longer,
don’t keep a list.

Some people will say you’re crass, crude and inconsiderate
maybe they’re right, maybe they’re absolutely correct

Still, don’t let another fickle being define you.
Your taste in music is as revolutionary as the Segway,

Your thoughts are original until you read more. Listen
more. Don’t argue with people you don’t care about.

Romeo and Juliet were failed by a state without
adequate social and mental care. Support our NHS.

Don’t feel torn for too long, don’t be mean to yourself,
remember you’re a constellation of stars.

Look in the mirror, puff up your chest and quietly shout
“I am great” before you brush your teeth. Yeah, like Tarzan.

You are entitled to tears at least every November
           And whenever.

Support a charity and don’t tweet-brag about it.
Use your fists in a ring, or go for a walk.

Your birthday is for those who feed and shelter you,
don’t be a dick. Don’t give unsolicited advice.